Family Food!
We’ve had a little tradition in my family for the past 9 months or so called Family Food. Whenever we get together for an event (holidays or graduations or whatever )and there are enough people to play, we compete to see who can put on the most weight during the meal.
Everyone who’s competing weighs in before the meal and then the eat as much as they want. When you’re done eating, you weigh in again. Simple as that.
We have two trophies for the individual and team competitions. Both of them are statues of Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus that Erica got for graduation. She wasn’t really sure what she was going to do with them, so her bad-influence brother and sister took it from there.
I had won every individual Family Food contest leading into Thanksgiving, when I was upset by my 16-year-old cousin Bailey and brother-in-law Nolan. Both of them put on 5 pounds and I was only able to put on 4.5. I was probably a little overconfident, but Bailey was determined to win, and as sick as her commitment made her, it paid off. Nolan beat me too, but Bailey deservedly stole the spotlight.
Sara and I were always consistently good in the team division as well, but my stumble and Sara’s poor showing allowed the team of Bailey and my Dad to sneak in and take first there. So it was a big night for Bailey, as her two first-place finishes made for a strong debut.
Fast-forward to Christmas. Bailey’s after-dinner misery at Thanksgiving meant she had no interest in defending her crown. Sara was with her family, so I had no teammate. Bailey’s brother Gavin was there for his first Family Food. It was quite a different scenario.
Eating for weight on Christmas eve was a challenge; everyone had been snacking all day on cookies and chocolate and other sweets. Nobody was prepared. But after three sandwiches, three bowls of soup and various side items and desserts, Gavin and I emerged with 4.5 pounds each. I was hoping to fully reclaim my title, but sharing it with someone was better than third place again.
Christmas day meant dinner with my mom’s side of the family. And unlike the soup and sandwiches of the night before, this was all-out turkey, ham, stuffing, potatoes, gravy, rolls, corn, banana bread and desserts. This was also the first time that my cousin Eric was competing. Eric is a monster. He’s not fat or anything, just a naturally big and tall guy. And he has a bottomless stomach.
Nolan, Monica, Erica, Dad and I were all competing less than 24 hours after our last Family Food; Tim and Eric were in their first. Eric had finished his second plate before I finished my first. Finally, we all weighed in.
Right away we knew it was going to be anyone’s game. Dad – who I partnered with – weighed in first with a 4 pound gain, which was solid for the sidekick position, even though he said his heart wasn’t in it. But then Monica – Nolan’s partner – surprised us with 4 pounds also. Then Tim – Eric’s partner – really shook things up with 5 pounds. Everyone knew that Eric was likely to clean house, so Nolan and I were depending on our partners to give us a chance in the team bracket; Tim’s strong finish really seemed to squash our hopes.
Then I weighed in with a 6.5 pound gain, which would typically guarantee a victory, but Nolan and Eric both had about 5-10 more minutes of eating after I filled up. In what would be the first shock of the day, Nolan weighed in with only a 3 pound gain. Soon to follow, Eric weighed in with only a 3.5 pound increase.
That meant my 6.5 pounds put me back in the champion slot, and our team’s 10.5 total gain would get us that trophy as well. But Nolan and Eric were suspicious of their low weight gain. Eric re-weighed, and this time, he had gone up 6 pounds. I was still the individual champ, but that put his total with Tim at 11 pounds, knocking Dad and me out of the top team spot.
The re-weighing continued, and I thought it was getting a little out of hand. Eric was now showing an 8 pound gain, so I hopped back on and showed 8 pounds as well. Disagreements arose about a standardized weighing stance, form, etc. I argued that there should be no standard from person to person; it’s up to each individual eater to stand the same way on the scale both times, and then all will be fair.
So the official record will show that I won the individual competition with 6.5 pounds and Eric was second with 6.0. Tim and Eric won the team bracket with 11 and Dad and I had 10.5 for second. But then there will be an asterisk beside my victory noting that upon subsequent weigh-ins, Eric and I both showed an 8 pound gain.
We intend to pool money to buy a fancier scale for next time.